Yeah, that’s what I tell myself in order to justify my negligent behavior: I have this incurable disease that I can only get rid of via divine intervention.

Dear Big Baby Jesus,

I swear if my professor allows me to hand in this paper that was due last week – next week…I promise I will clear the three week’s worth of work on my desk, so that I can complete that paper that was due yesterday.

Love always,
ME

I’ll be honest, I procrastinated for a good twenty minutes before I pressed one key to compose this blog. I think it begins on those mornings when I hit the snooze button…and I do my 60-second countdown in my head. I repeat this countdown several times before I actually get up! The whole point of the countdown is to get up after the count reaches one, but that almost never happens. Once, finally up, well sitting up, I turn on my Pandora app, and tune into the Deepak Chopra station. I meditate for about ten-fifteen minutes. Ummmm, I’ll say more like twelve minutes – it takes me a while to get in the groove. After my morning meditation, I’m supposed to write in my journal, but that usually gets put off until I get to work, when I am supposed to be clearing off the pile on my desk, which is supposed to get smaller as the week closes, but always seems to grow.

After my morning meditation, I kneel at the side of my bed to say a prayer (if I hadn’t said one while laying down in the bed in between my 60-second countdowns – anticipating that I won’t have time to kneel and pray because I have to wash the dishes before I head to work because I didn’t get to them last night because when I was supposed to be doing my homework, I was scrap-booking, or writing my daily journal entry that I should have completed in the morning).

After my prayer, or my meditation, or my 60-second countdown, I turn on my energy music. My energy music is my music that gets me really going in the morning. It can be a distraction at times because instead of, sometimes, looking for something to wear to work – a feat that should have been conquered the night before, that may not have gotten done, because I was up all night trying to complete an assignment that I received three weeks prior; I may be looking in the mirror – dancing and smiling – so not looking for work gear.

After picking out my work gear, brushing my teeth, and eating breakfast, I am late for work.  I miss my bus, because I was eating the breakfast that I really didn’t have time for; so, now instead of saving a few extra cents in gas, I must now drive the gas guzzler, that reminds me how thirsty it is, once I turn it on and my tank is on E! I didn’t get gas the night before because I was busy…

On the heels of one of the most amazing vacations I have ever had, one of my very close friends left me a voicemail informing me that she had something to share with me. She was leaving out of the country, and I was trying to cope with that – I hadn’t expressed my feelings to her about her new journey – for several reasons, but after that phone call, I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and my heart no longer heavy.

I knew that after, my life would never be the same. She began to tell me about a program that she enrolled in entitled The Landmark Forum. She told me how the program had changed her life, and how she viewed her relationships, including our relationship. I hadn’t cried that much since…? A few weeks ago! Nonetheless, I finally felt that this wasn’t the end, or that my journey not needed necessarily to resemble hers – I’ll touch on this later.

So after returning back to Philadelphia, I sat at my desk at work and The Landmark Forum, popped in my head. I googled it and found the website. After clicking through a  few links and reading the benefits, and a few testimonials, I decided oh my gosh, this is exactly what I need!...and then I saw that $510 fee for tuition! Now she didn’t say anything about tuitions or $500. I clicked the little white “x” and proceeded to finish up the work I was neglecting.

The next day, The Landmark Forum popped in my head. I couldn’t fight it. I went back to the website and found that I could make a $100 deposit! Gosh, I didn’t  have $100 to spare! But I had money to spend on printing pictures and to buy a turtleneck – even if it were only $6.00! I met up with my friend (the one that completed the program) and I could hear it in her voice alone – I knew I needed to attend this program – I just had to. So, I toyed with the idea for a few more days until today…

So, I’m at work again, neglecting the work that I am supposed to be completing, posting inspirational messages on Facebook (how ironic) and finding out What God wanted me to know on this day…

that transformation is possible at any time. A person can transform, a situation can transform, even the planet can transform. Never lose hope. Under the proper conditions of love, faith, and belief, transformation is quite possible.

…spooky, innit?! So, I’m wall-stalking and on my friend’s wall, a friend of hers posted, ” Giving thanks…In advance, for my upcoming Landmark experience”. I said to myself, this is it! Pick up the phone, dial the number, and God will work out the rest! So, I called…

I’ll cut to the meat. So, I’m coming up on the end of registration and the woman asks me over the phone, “What do you intend to get out of Landmark? You can tell me now or you can think about it and follow up either online or with one of the specialists who will follow up with you.” In my head, I tried to convince myself to follow up later, but instead it all just rolled off of my tongue:

I feel like I am not sure where my life is heading anymore. I feel like I have created this identity from the bits and pieces of those who surround me. and it’s making me unhappy. I feel like I have created this prison and have thrown away the key…I feel like I am stuck trying to live this life that I have created and I FINALLY WANT OUT! I can’t live my life because I am trying to fit into a mold that was not built for ME!

Oh the tears started to flow! I did not imagine that when I picked up the phone to register for this course that I would have begun the process of building this extraordinary life – even before setting foot in a seminar. The voice on the other end was able to relate. She has been where I am. She has had the same recycled convos. She is no longer stuck in a default identity and is no longer hiding from herself.

I explain to her that I’ve been through The Secrets, the Deepak’s, and The Daily Loves, but reading emails and books, and watching DVDs, weren’t holding me accountable! I NEEDED TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE! I needed to read the stories I have created and re-write MY story, instead of living someone else’s. I don’t want to watch in envy as others are living their extraordinary lives, as I sit back in agony because I’m living a life that I have created that I know is not for me. Today, I realize more than ever that, every single person’s journey is theirs because it is structured and molded for that individual, at that specific time in their life. No matter how many self-help books, or inspirational quotes I read, I will not be able to live the extraordinary life that’s waiting for me until I hold my self accountable and am no longer a victim of options, able to rethink possibilities, and change the quality of my relationships.

Today, I am holding my self accountable – today I am redefining the definition of what’s possible.
Today I start to live as ME.

Fibroadenoma is the most common benign tumor of the breast and the most common breast tumor in women under age 30. A fibroadenoma is made up of breast gland tissue and tissue that helps support the breast gland tissue. Black women tend to develop fibroadenomas more often and at an earlier age than white women. The cause of fibroadenomas is not known.

I discovered my first lump my freshman year of college. It was the scariest day of my life! As soon as I felt it – I FREAKED!! Before then, I had been performing self-examinations for about 4-5 years, since I was about 12 or 13. Yes 12 or 13!! I was always Mommy’s shopping-partner-in-crime…so after hour upon hour at the mall, I’d be right there once we were home to help her unpack all the goodies we bought. I can’t recall which brand of sheers (or stockings – for you young bucks) had the self-examination instructions inside their packaging, but I remember every single time Mommy chucked the thin piece of cardboard on her dresser while rushing to church…I was always right behind her dashing to the bathroom to look in the mirror to check to see if there were any lumps in “barely-theres”.

I’ve always been one to explore my body! This truly annoyed my mother – she’d always say I’s get what I was looking for…she never,until this day understood my obsession. But the winter of 2003, when I called Mommy, in tears, she didn’t hesitate to tell me to “go to the student health center first thing in the morning.” I was in Massachusetts, Mommy was in Jersey. I had a few weeks until Winter break, and I wanted nothing more than to be home with my family. After the nurse practitioner examined me, she referred me to the local hospital that would confirm my fears: there was a lump. During Winter Break, I returned to New Jersey to get a second opinion – only for that physician to tell me it was normal breast tissue. I knew my body, and I KNEW she was incorrect. SO, I went another physician to obtain a THIRD opinion, and he agreed with the first physician – there was a breast mass that needed to be removed.

I prepared for surgery…

Surgery day, I was so nervous. I remember laying on the operating table and the physician’s assistant asking me a bunch of questions – two seconds later I was out, only to wake up in a recovery room, in what seemed like 15 minutes! Tests came back…and NE-ga-TIVE!  Yet, here we are again…and again – NE-ga-TIVE! While I give thanks to the Creator for negative/ yet positive results, I know it is my duty to be proactive in my health and caring for this vessel with which I’ve been blessed.

I don’t ever hesitate to share this story because of its importance. My mom and I never shared this conversation, and I give thanks for having the courage, even at a young age, to familiarize my self with my body, and educating myself. Cancer does not discriminate, everyone is susceptible…black, white, young, poor. The important thing is awareness and educating yourself and others to…

Sometimes you’ve got to jump off cliffs and grow wings on the way down.

So, for the past month or so…no let me get real – for the past year or so, I have been trying to find my place in this world. I’ve been setting career goals, achieving them, and then *blah*. I’ve been setting educational goals, achieving them, and then *blah*. I’ve been setting relationship goals, achieving them, and then *waaaa waaaa waaa waaa waaaaaaa*!!! I am still UNFULFILLED!!! UNHAPPY!!!! & every other “un-word” you can think of…

I’ve been an auditor, marketer, sales rep, customer service rep, student, medical biller, a student – again, preschool teacher, and currently a preschool Director – and still – NOTHING!! I thought I loved children so much, that I figured I’d spend one million dollars on a Master’s Degree, to teach toddlers their ABC’s,while earning minimum wage, so I can barely get by, while struggling to pay medical bills, car loans, rent, student loans, and find the energy to sift through the change to be able to put one and  a half meals together! After nearly getting my car repo’d I decided I wanted to help run a childcare center, earning minimum wage + 1, only to be left feeling: UNFULFILLED, UNHAPPY, & any other “un-word” you can find – AGAIN!

With the help of one of my professors, I have come to the conclusion that “anyone can teach, but not everyone’s a teacher”. You can add to that: “just because you love children, doesn’t mean you need to be perpetrating in the classroom like this has been your life-long dream.” I’ll admit, when I was younger I wanted to be a psychologist. Where the hell that came from?! I have no idea! I’ll also admit, that like most young girls, I pretended to be a school teacher with my homemade attendance book, BUT it was never my dream to be in a classroom for nearly 8 hours a day, reciting some scripted curriculum, imposing useless “knowledge” on to idle students.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, though. You know what I’ve always enjoyed? What has always given me great satisfaction?? WRITING! I’ve kept a journal since I was six-years old! (The tears are starting because I lost more than half of my journals in a storage auction. like seriously, who in the h-e-double hockey sticks went head to head for my firggin’ journals???) There is something so freeing about the HONESTY that comes with reflecting, writing, and sharing. Whether it’s a review, poetry, a short story…I love every minute of putting pen to paper, or finger to key!

I’ve been trying to figure out how to use this space (more consistently) to do what I love, or how to write all day, every day, and survive in this cold, cold, cooooold world. As a matter of fact, I’ve been also trying to figure out how to travel around the world and maintain a steady income. But there has been one thing that has been hindering me from even beginning to begin to figure something out – and that’s FEAR. I realize that I’d never know if it’s possible or not, if I don’t take that first step. I don’t want to be the one living with the shoulda, coulda woulda’s. I want to be the one that tried, no scratch that – the one that DID, and whether I fail or succeed, I’ll be able to say it was worth every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. I’ve been depriving myself for too long – staying in unfulfilling positions, helping others to fulfill their dreams – forgetting my own. But no longer…because I am about to head over that cliff!

\\

Reset Notebook:

(Front Cover)

(Inside Cover)

Personal Mantra:

i found God in myself
and i loved her
i loved her fiercely.
–Ntozake Shange

Theme Song:

Katy Perry: Firework

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July…

Go through your living space today and be ruthless in getting rid of ALL the stuff you don’t need. Every single bit of it. Go through closets, bedrooms, shelves, storage rooms, even your home office and ask yourself the following questions for each item: Do I really need this? Do I even want it anymore? If yes, keep it and love it. If no, kick it to the curb by throwing it away, giving it away or recycling it. If you have a roommate, live-in partner, spouse or kids, you can also ask them to do the same.

Since my childhood, I have held on to any and everything that my allowance could afford me…everything that I have won, earned…every birthday, Christmas gift…every craft, book, trophy, certificate, homework assignment…every too small shirt, shoe, dress and anything else that I have owned. I realized early that I had a problem with LETTING GO – letting go of people AND letting go of THINGS! There was a blind attachment to THINGS (to this world), that I needed to let go!

I actually started this process back in May of last year before I moved. And you know what? It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I got rid of LOADS of PAPER: old bills, old receipts, 4-year old pay stubs, magazines, and half-used notebooks. After dealing with all the paper, I moved to the closet and the bins of clothing. After a good four hours of trying on clothes, shoes, and sorting through jewelry, I found that nearly 3/4 of my closet space had been taken up by clothes that I couldn’t fit, clothes that I would never, EVER wear again, shoes that were TOO small, and those pieces that I had to ask myself what in the world were you thinking??? I gave a lot away to the Salvation Army, and to my coworker’s daughter. I must say, after all was said and done, I really felt good!

In the process of cleaning out my closets, I did an all-around purge: phone book, Facebook, emails, texts (yes, I saved these – trying to relive moments, which would always backfire), and letters, amongst other things.

I don’t even know how to describe the amazing-ness that was my Valentine’s Day…

I give thanks for being able to spend my Valentine’s Day with NINE, beautiful sistas. A group of like-minded sistas ran a workshop, entitled “Black Woman, Love Thyself: The Yoni Project”:

an interactive workshop [that provides] a safe space for Black Women to connect with their bodies. The focus of the workshop is to create a holistically healthy relationship between Black Women and their bodies, particularly one of the least talked about …parts: the vagina. Her interactive Yoni Project uses the word yoni instead of vagina, since its rich Sanskrit-meaning, “origin of life,” recognizes the spiritually healing and empowering components of the vagina. Despite the yoni being one of the least talked about body parts, it is one of the most sacred, empowering, and healing. In developing a healthy relationship, Black Women can have more a fuller relationship with their bodies, foster a healthy sexuality, and build a strong sense of self as a woman. Using various art techniques (creative writing, mixed media arts, movement), Black Women construct liberating messages about their yonis, similar to what Eve Ensler’s play Vagina Monologues has done for older women for years. The Yoni project believes that when we teach Black Women how to explore and love their entire bodies on their own terms, we teach them that nobody can define those terms for them. When we help them to discover a language for these terms, we helped them discover meaningful power. Each yoni has a song. The Yoni Project teaches Sistas how to hear it, and become in tune with its rhythm.

 After I left this group of women, I experienced feelings that I have never, ever felt before. It was like I was finally beginning to feel connected mind, body, and spirit. I felt whole. This workshop was very humbling, empowering, and SO uplifting! During the workshop there was a period of meditation, and I told my girlfriend that I have never been so focused and my mind has never been so completely still, as it has been during that time.  My yoni has become part of me again, and I apart of it.

The name of my yoni is Lydia.
Her favorite color is purple.
Her favorite soap is pure cocoa butter.
On her best days she smells like lavender.
Her favorite song to dance to is Beres Hammond’s I Feel Good.
On her bad days she usually hides.
Her dream is to empower all women and young girls.
If she had a million dollars she would donate to various charities and organizations, as well as The Yoni Project to ensure that her empowering spirit presses on .
If she could speak she would say please remember me.

The above is an exercise that was completed by all during the workshop. “If she could speak she would say, ‘please remember me.’” The yoni is “the source of all that exists” – it is of sacred power. In cultures around the world, the yoni is celebrated and worshipped, as it should. We as women should never forget its significance or its sacredness. It should be protected, and treated with care, and because it is the gateway of birth and death ( via STDs, such as AIDS), it should be shared with those most deserving.

I am grateful to have reconnected with my yoni…I hope that all women, alike, will be able to explore their bodies and discover their yoni’s song.

The light in me, sees the light in you…Sista, your Yoni is BEAUTIFUL!!!

Love. True Love. Black Love. A Love for Me.

It didn’t click right away, but for the past few days, I have been fighting sleep over how to attain balance in my life while on this journey of self-discovery, as well as my constant yearning for an intimate relationship. A healthy relationship. A relationship that would allow for me and my partner to flourish, both individually and as a unit. On my drive into work, I was listening to the radio, and I can’t remember what was said or what song was played; but my mind went back to my childhood and past relationships and the tears started to run. During that drive, I was eight years old again, I was 9, 10, 14, 17, 19, and 21…reliving the nightmares that left mental and spiritual scars that I placed metaphorical bandages on – they never healed…

As I watched the film, one-half, of one of the couples featured, made a comment: “You can’t find your soul mate, when your soul is broken!” When I heard that, a million light bulbs went off in my head. During the post-screening panel discussion, one of the panelists stated: “Finding your soul mate is about knowing YOU. It’s about healing…!” Again – LIGHTS!!! While I never considered my soul to be broken, it has been bruised…and my heart heavy. As I’ve stated in previous blog posts, there are many things in my life that I have covered up and not fully dealt with, which in turned has caused much pain and suffering, and co-dependency! It has caused me to block opportunities and blessings because of doubt, fear, a lack of self-worth. It has caused me to build walls, and as the pain increased, so did the walls…

I have yet to experience a healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I have had three “serious” relationships, and they have all been physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive (and yet each lasted for 2+ years). I clung to these men, because I decided a familiar environment was safer than the unknown. I decided I didn’t know better, therefore I didn’t deserve better. My mom told me I did, as she always did, but she didn’t lead by example, therefore the seeds she tried to sow, spprouted, but never took root.  After tonight’s documentary and panel discussion, discussions with friends, meditations, and talking to myself out loud (something I realized I need to do more often) I’ve realized the Creator will not give unto me that which I am not ready.

I have longed to find the person that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with, yet I have not allowed my wounds the time to heal, and  up until this point, I haven’t taken the necessary steps to promote this healing process. I know that in whatever I ask of the Creator and of the Universe, I need to be proactive… in having my dreams flourish, as well as having my desires/plans come to fruition.

I know there is a God within me, and will from this day on, acknowledge this fact everyday of my life. I know that whatever it is that I ask of the Creator/ Universe I shall receive, when I attain balance. I will continue to aim for balance in all aspects of my life, so that the Universe continues to bestow upon me unmeasurable blessings…including a kindred spirit.

Several people have commented that this challenge is “like therapy.” But while many of the exercises have proven to be therapeutic in nature, personal reflection is not an adequate substitute for real therapy…In addition to personal development, working with a trained mental health professional is one of the most valuable investments you can make in yourself. Today, I encourage you to find a good therapist.

Today, I took the first step! I contacted the Student Counseling Center, and made an appointment to speak with a licensed psychologist. I have an appointment, in less than two weeks. This exercise was delivered to my inbox on 25 January 2011. The idea of finding a therapist bounced back and forth in my brain for a few days. It is no secret, well maybe it is, that I had been hospitalized in the past for severe depression and bipolar disorder after a failed suicide attempt during my junior year of undergrad. I spent a week in a mental institution before convincing the hospital staff that I had been “cured” of my “crazy”! I will not say that I came out 100% ready to tackle “the cruel, cruel world” that had forced me to deal with all the “demons” that I had battled for so long, but I felt a little better.

Four years later and I am feeling like I’ve tucked all the pain and hurt, loss and confusion, in a tiny bottle and buried it somewhere at the back of my brain! So, at this point I feel like this is what I need – I really need to seek the professional help necessary, to deal with the trust issues, the co-dependency issues, and I need help with the self-esteem and self-concept issues. I need to let go, of that which is no longer for me. I need to be able to grab a hold of that which is for me – the things that I deserve- putting an end to the feelings of unworthiness. I can no longer run away from it and believe that if I don’t think about these things they’ll work themselves out. It’s time to stand firm and face them head on. I am more than a conqueror!

What makes you happy? What kinds of things, people, activities, music, memories, places, foods, smells, make you feel alive?

My Top 100 Things That Make Me Happy // My Top 100 Things That Make Me Laugh, Smile, & Feel All Giddy Inside (in no particular order):

1. Arched Eyebrows
2. Room Temperature Bottled Water
3. A Goofy Movie, A Land Before Time, Roger Rabbit (and other cartoon movies from my childhood)
4. Apple Juice
5. Spinach Dip
6. Pocketbooks
7. Coloring
8. Joking Around With Aunties, Ella & Vickie
9. Gift Wrapping
10. My CD Collection
11. Manischewitz wine
12. Leggings
13. Phone Convos With My Brother
14. My Daddy’s Dancing
15. Strawberry, Banana, & Peanut Butter Smoothies
16. Calligraphy
17. Plantain Chips (Sweet & Salty)
18. Swimming (even though I can’t! =-))
19. Fine Point Pens
20. Writing Letters
21. Hardwood Floors
22. Fresh Laundry
23. Babies
24. Walking Throughout Campus
25. Creative Non-Fiction Workshop
26. Childhood Vacations
27. Law & Order SVU
28. The BIO Channel
29. Succeeding At Following a New Recipe
30. A Great Workout
31. Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chai
32. Stilettos
33. Sorrel & Cranberry Juice
34. Beres Hammond
35. Reading
36. BREAD (& butter)
37. Sweet Peppers
38. Mommy’s Honey Chicken Recipe
39. Little Black Dresses
40. Nail Polish
41. Dry Humor (ie. The Office)
42. Huge Earrings
43. Wearing Baseball Caps
44. Cold Air Flowing As I Lay Under My Toasty Quilt
45. Hot Showers
46. 28 Frederick Terrace
47. Amaretto Sour
48. Cookup Rice
49. Chow Mein
50. Escoveitched Fish
51. Sweet Potato Pie
52. Men in Fitted Jeans
53. Quotables
54. Waiting in Vain (by Colin Channer)
55. Mini Skirts
56. Carnival Time
57. Bubble Baths
58. Cuddling/ Spooning
59. Blowing Bubbles
60. Swings
61. My iPhone
62. Whip Cream
63. Ruby Tuesday’s Avocado Turkey Burger
64. When My Bumblebees Say “Miss Amy, I Love YOU!”
65. San Fran, Petaluma, Napa Valley Get Away
66. Antigua ’06 (or was it ’07)
67. My Grandparents Blue Recliner (257 Williams Street Era)
68. Rolling My Grandma’s Hair (257 Williams Street Era)
69. Checkers (the  game)
70. Smell of Gas (@ the Pump)
71. Smell of a Sharpie Marker
72. UGGs
73. Forever 21
74. Passport Stamps
75. Jah Cure
76. Rain
77. Summer Nights (w/ a cool breeze)
78. Amusement Parks
79. Facebook
80. New Underwear
81. Atlanta
82. Walking in Sand
83. Church
84. Unification of People From Various Backgrounds
85. Walking Barefoot
86. Welch’s Grape Juice
87. Spending Time with My Family
88. Social Gatherings
89. Caribbean Men
90. Poetry
91. Long Train Rides
92. My Busy Bumblebees (My PreK Class)
93. Turkey Hill Strawberries & Creme ice cream
94. Comedies (Film & TV)
95. Jamaica 2010
96. Dancing
97. Music
98. Laying in My Bed
99. EDIT: Sucking My Two Fingers (Yes, I know I am 25, but I’ve been sucking them since 1985, idk it’s soothing/ calming)
100. Waking Up & Looking Out My Window (every morning)