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Sometimes you’ve got to jump off cliffs and grow wings on the way down.

So, for the past month or so…no let me get real – for the past year or so, I have been trying to find my place in this world. I’ve been setting career goals, achieving them, and then *blah*. I’ve been setting educational goals, achieving them, and then *blah*. I’ve been setting relationship goals, achieving them, and then *waaaa waaaa waaa waaa waaaaaaa*!!! I am still UNFULFILLED!!! UNHAPPY!!!! & every other “un-word” you can think of…

I’ve been an auditor, marketer, sales rep, customer service rep, student, medical biller, a student – again, preschool teacher, and currently a preschool Director – and still – NOTHING!! I thought I loved children so much, that I figured I’d spend one million dollars on a Master’s Degree, to teach toddlers their ABC’s,while earning minimum wage, so I can barely get by, while struggling to pay medical bills, car loans, rent, student loans, and find the energy to sift through the change to be able to put one and  a half meals together! After nearly getting my car repo’d I decided I wanted to help run a childcare center, earning minimum wage + 1, only to be left feeling: UNFULFILLED, UNHAPPY, & any other “un-word” you can find – AGAIN!

With the help of one of my professors, I have come to the conclusion that “anyone can teach, but not everyone’s a teacher”. You can add to that: “just because you love children, doesn’t mean you need to be perpetrating in the classroom like this has been your life-long dream.” I’ll admit, when I was younger I wanted to be a psychologist. Where the hell that came from?! I have no idea! I’ll also admit, that like most young girls, I pretended to be a school teacher with my homemade attendance book, BUT it was never my dream to be in a classroom for nearly 8 hours a day, reciting some scripted curriculum, imposing useless “knowledge” on to idle students.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, though. You know what I’ve always enjoyed? What has always given me great satisfaction?? WRITING! I’ve kept a journal since I was six-years old! (The tears are starting because I lost more than half of my journals in a storage auction. like seriously, who in the h-e-double hockey sticks went head to head for my firggin’ journals???) There is something so freeing about the HONESTY that comes with reflecting, writing, and sharing. Whether it’s a review, poetry, a short story…I love every minute of putting pen to paper, or finger to key!

I’ve been trying to figure out how to use this space (more consistently) to do what I love, or how to write all day, every day, and survive in this cold, cold, cooooold world. As a matter of fact, I’ve been also trying to figure out how to travel around the world and maintain a steady income. But there has been one thing that has been hindering me from even beginning to begin to figure something out – and that’s FEAR. I realize that I’d never know if it’s possible or not, if I don’t take that first step. I don’t want to be the one living with the shoulda, coulda woulda’s. I want to be the one that tried, no scratch that – the one that DID, and whether I fail or succeed, I’ll be able to say it was worth every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. I’ve been depriving myself for too long – staying in unfulfilling positions, helping others to fulfill their dreams – forgetting my own. But no longer…because I am about to head over that cliff!

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