Searching for a Soulmate, with a Bruised Soul…

I am struggling to write this post – I don’t know where to begin! This post may seem scatterbrained, but that’s reality. Around 12 p.m. today (now yesterday). I received a text from a friend: “There’s a documentary screening tonight by me @7 on black love. Wanna go?” I agreed! It was Friday, and I needed plans. Earlier in the week I started my Day 18  exercise (Spice Up Your Love Life) of my 31 Day Rest Challenge. I made plans with a romantic interest (I am now using this term VERY loosely) , and he screwed me over  by cancelling on me…boy, was I pissed! So, I figured, hey, I now have something to do – I should be able to get rid of this negative emotion quicker than I thought (instead of sulking in my bedroom to the sounds of my brokenhearted/ he-let-me-down-again playlist).

Love. True Love. Black Love. A Love for Me.

It didn’t click right away, but for the past few days, I have been fighting sleep over how to attain balance in my life while on this journey of self-discovery, as well as my constant yearning for an intimate relationship. A healthy relationship. A relationship that would allow for me and my partner to flourish, both individually and as a unit. On my drive into work, I was listening to the radio, and I can’t remember what was said or what song was played; but my mind went back to my childhood and past relationships and the tears started to run. During that drive, I was eight years old again, I was 9, 10, 14, 17, 19, and 21…reliving the nightmares that left mental and spiritual scars that I placed metaphorical bandages on – they never healed…

As I watched the film, one-half, of one of the couples featured, made a comment: “You can’t find your soul mate, when your soul is broken!” When I heard that, a million light bulbs went off in my head. During the post-screening panel discussion, one of the panelists stated: “Finding your soul mate is about knowing YOU. It’s about healing…!” Again – LIGHTS!!! While I never considered my soul to be broken, it has been bruised…and my heart heavy. As I’ve stated in previous blog posts, there are many things in my life that I have covered up and not fully dealt with, which in turned has caused much pain and suffering, and co-dependency! It has caused me to block opportunities and blessings because of doubt, fear, a lack of self-worth. It has caused me to build walls, and as the pain increased, so did the walls…

I have yet to experience a healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I have had three “serious” relationships, and they have all been physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive (and yet each lasted for 2+ years). I clung to these men, because I decided a familiar environment was safer than the unknown. I decided I didn’t know better, therefore I didn’t deserve better. My mom told me I did, as she always did, but she didn’t lead by example, therefore the seeds she tried to sow, spprouted, but never took root.  After tonight’s documentary and panel discussion, discussions with friends, meditations, and talking to myself out loud (something I realized I need to do more often) I’ve realized the Creator will not give unto me that which I am not ready.

I have longed to find the person that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with, yet I have not allowed my wounds the time to heal, and  up until this point, I haven’t taken the necessary steps to promote this healing process. I know that in whatever I ask of the Creator and of the Universe, I need to be proactive… in having my dreams flourish, as well as having my desires/plans come to fruition.

I know there is a God within me, and will from this day on, acknowledge this fact everyday of my life. I know that whatever it is that I ask of the Creator/ Universe I shall receive, when I attain balance. I will continue to aim for balance in all aspects of my life, so that the Universe continues to bestow upon me unmeasurable blessings…including a kindred spirit.

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