“Precious” Moments

Friday, 13 November 2009

It was here. Lee Daniels’ gift to the world. Precious based on the novel “Push” by Sapphire. As I sat in the crowded Riverview theater, my heart raced as I waited anxiously to accept what Lee Daniels had born. I was quite sure I was ready. I read the novel when I was, but 15, and figured if I had managed to get through the heavy content, that lined the pages of the tattered paperback, than I was more than ready, to witness Sapphire’s words, thoughts, emotions come to life on the screen before me. I was WRONG! Imagine sharing every aspect of your broken life to a crowded room of onlookers who were a mirror reflection of yourself – with all the sincerity and naivety in the world – only to have them cackle and laugh at your pain. I was Precious – and she was I. I cried. I prayed. I wanted to escape the ridicule, the judgment.

What happened? Where did the lines become skewed? How could the abuse and torture of another human being become so comedic? Has the world become so desensitized and demoralized that we can no longer empathize with another’s plight? I wanted to shake everyone in the auditorium one by one, and scream, “WAKE UP!” How could you be so ungrateful for this gift that was given to you? How long would we carry on this way? After walking out of that theater I couldn’t find the words to express how I felt. At this very moment I still am unable to find the words that express the way I truly feel. I am struggling right now as my heart and my soul have been immersed in a pool of sorrow. My soul has been tormented, and the scars I have so long concealed have now been revealed…

The only thing you need is…JESUS!!!

After swallowing nearly every pill within reach of my dorm room, I found myself trapped behind the walls of a mental institution in Eastern Pennsylvania. I felt…like a failure! I was failing in school, my relationships were failing, and now – there was this failed suicide attempt. For weeks, months, and years leading up to this point, I battled the demons that tried to take me under – I lost that battle in April of 2006. I felt so alone! In a crowded room, I’d sometimes feel like I was the only one there. I wore a smile on the outside to conceal the pain I was feeling on the inside. I was unhappy – unhappy with the life I was living, I was suffering from low self-esteem, and was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

I cried out, but my father thought me ungrateful for my acquired blessings (the many material things he never had growing up or the goals he never had been able to accomplish); my friends resented my weakened state; my journal never responded; and my mother – well, my mother said, “the only thing you need is JESUS!!!”

Aaaah, a typical response from my mother. I’m failing in school. “You need JESUS!” I don’t feel too good. “You need JESUS!” I’m going on a date. “You definitely need JESUS!” Don’t get me wrong! Jesus, IS and forever will be my homeboy, but there was something else that I needed – something that would involve more than just a spiritual jump start.

Within that week I was in the hospital, I was diagnosed with major depression and bipolar disorder. I’ve definitely had my share of mood swings, random nervous breakdowns, and panic attacks. They offered (and kind of forced) medication on me. One of my best friend’s (at the time) and her mom, were really there for me, and when her mom found out they were offering me medication, she promised to kick my @$$, if I dared thought about taking even  half of a pill. Gotta love Mrs. H! I wasn’t too fond of taking the medication anyway, especially after the horror stories I heard. I’m not going to even delve into the politics of the pharmaceutical companies and physicians – that’s an issue by itself. But after slipping the pill under my tongue a few times and getting caught, I eventually gave in.I felt like a zombie! I had the shakes, night sweats, and stayed up for hours. That was the first and last time, even though  I’ve contemplated filling the prescription given to me during my departure.

My saving grace during that time was my case manager and the other patients on my floor. I sat with a psychiatrist for about 5 minutes everyday, but his only concern was the medication he THOUGHT I was consuming. That hour I spent with the case manager everyday and the exchanges with the other patients, lifted loads and loads of emotional baggage that I carried on my shoulders for years. To know that someone empathized, someone understood and to actually hear that empathy and understanding in their voices, helped me out tremendously.

I have finally come to terms with this part of my life and have shared my story to whomever is willing to listen. I have come a long way, and still have a ways to go, but I know that everyday is another opportunity for me to start over. I will not pretend that the problems no longer exist, but I’ve come to believe in The Power of Now, realizing that the happiness I’ve searched for so long is all in my head. 

“You need JESUS “You need JESUS!”!”

My favorite color is…

pink. Universal Love. Red and White. Potential for fullness + the strength for said potential = the qualitative energy of…PINK. The neutralization of disorder. Tenderness.  Acceptance. Love.

So after a delicious lunch: chicken with portabella mushrooms, baked ziti, ceaser salad, and diet Snapple lime green tea; my co-worker and I began to partake in one of our favorite pastimes – my love life. As the conversation began to get a little deeper, I shouted in my inside, don’t-disturb-the-Heffa, office voice, “Mammosh!!!” ( Mamoosh, Polish for “mama” – she’s not even Polish. I digress!) “What the heck is the problem??? Why do I continually attract A-holes??”

As I continued on ranting, the dramatics began, and all of a sudden she became Oda Mae Brown, and I thought I was in a scene of the movie Ghost. She starts the eye-rolling and the panting, comes back to earth and   says, “Someone close to you has done this! You’ve insulted them and they wanted to hurt you!” She’s serious at this point! Mamoosh is sort of a drama queen, so I give her The Rock/Botox eyebrow lift and continue, until it hits me…

“The gypsy woman in the mall said the exact same thing!!!” I go into panic mode and start calling around for a spiritual advisor – not Mama Star, but a real one! I call my best friend and she tells me to ignore it, “don’t give it any energy.” I still searched for the advisor. After about ten minutes of silence, I thought about it and asked myself, Are you really tripping over this? I also was once told that I was “put on this earth to suffer, so that others can learn from [my] experiences.” And I thought well, damn, what kind of sufferation is this because my life’s been pretty great thus far!” I mean I’m not living in a mansion atop of a hill (that’s not my dream, I actually prefer a condo in the city or a beachfront, but uhhh!), I’ve been kicking in doors I never thought I could, experiencing growth in all aspects of my life, experienced how far humility and forgiveness will take ya’, and still the journey continues. So again, why am I buggin’?

I know this! I know the power of the subconscious mind! I know I am the architect of my own fate. I  radiate love and happiness. Wealth is pouring into my life (not just the $$ bills – but spiritually). I am surrounded by love.

For crying out loud, my favorite color is PINK!!!!!

“Alas…”

this often tempestuous love affair begins again.
…unafraid of the consequences my thoughts may yield.

i give you my heart, my soul, my life -i give you – ME!

Adventures in Wonderland…

“Who are you?” said the Caterpillar.
Alice replied, rather shyly, “I – I hardly know, Sir, … at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”

it’s been a very long time…

wow! the memory that keeps playing over and over in my head is me leaving him in that small place…at that very moment, i felt like i could have put everything on pause and just started over, right from that very moment. the five days that i spent down there with him, were the longest five days of my life, because i lived in every moment of each day…i cherished every minute of being by his side, every second of his head resting on my stomach. the emotion that i felt was inexplainable…the energy that i received from him would take me to write prose daily, some that i shared, and some that i have not shared. after being the bearer of constant hurt in the past, i felt invincible…the first time we kissed, had left me shaken for days…
but now the person that i see in front of me, could never be the one whose smile would cause goosebumps to arise against my sun-kissed skin, stories of him that have been told me, could never be a reflection of the person that made my spirit feel anew…my heart aches, i almost feel guilty for loving him, for caring…i fight myself everyday not to call him, i fight myself everyday not to text him…my head tells me not to care, it tells me not to think so hard, but my heart tells me otherwise…it’s a battle that i cannot seem to fight.